Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
