I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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