To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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