genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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