I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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