Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
