I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize