By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Randomize
