guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
