just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
