we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize