I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
