i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
