That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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