this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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