yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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