my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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