Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
