If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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