So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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