Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
