Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
