Where did you get a picture of my penis
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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