I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
