so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
