the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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