Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
