Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
