Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize