Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
