he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
