What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
