I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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