I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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