I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
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