I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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