Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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