Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize