He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
