I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
