Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
