yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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