Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
