It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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