why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Let's get the cat blown out
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize