Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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