she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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