this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
