Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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