if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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