I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
