I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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