i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
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