Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
