I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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