so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
