You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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