Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Green mimosas i think yes
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
