remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
